阿亮的後院

好，我先承認自己這幾天是著了電影斷背山的魔。

昨天在網路上找了它由ANNIE PROULX寫的原著小說來看，

看了之後呢，嗯，很高興自己看了，

不過我又疑惑了，不知道是先看小說再看電影比較好？

還是先看電影再看小說比較好？反正，已不能改變什麼，算了。

其實看完小說之後，讓我對ENNIS的感覺好上許多

(這是我個人的對他的解讀，也許不管是原作者ANNIE或李安都不這麼想~)

在電影中，他是很李安的，壓抑的很，大悶鍋一個。

但在原著小說中，除了不願拋棄偽裝的異性戀生活外，

他會在兩人於四年後第一次重逢，對JACK這麼說，

“That summer,” said Ennis. “When we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate somethin bad at that place in Dubois. Took me about a year a figure out it was that I shouldn’t a let you out a my sights. Too late then by a long, long while.”

「那年夏天，」恩尼司說。「我們領到錢、分手之後，我肚子痛得很厲害，不得不靠邊停車，想吐卻吐不出來，還以為在杜柏瓦那餐廳吃壞肚子了。花了大概一年我才想通，當初不應該讓你從眼前走掉。想通了，太晚也太遲了。」

摘自http://wander122.pixnet.net/blog/post/24859332，翻譯：宋瑛堂。(以下同)

對我來說，他會去搞清楚自己的感覺，並且對JACK說出來，

這已經是很負責任，很接近表白的東西。

而那個年代(1963相識，1967重逢)，性成熟(不管是生理或心理)普遍比較晚，

更何況要一個在陽剛西部荒涼鄉下長大的男孩理解自己的同性戀傾向，

這難度太高了吧。

然後，我又想到，當電影中他們第一次發生親密關係時，那一幕真把我嚇了一跳。

我當時很疑惑，兩個男同性戀者，在沒有預期的狀況下，

如何就自動分配好自己的性角色？？

很顯然的，從他們的體位可以看出ENNIS是1號，JACK是0號，

（後來ENNIS結婚，和ALMA做，他也不管對方喜不喜歡，就直接從後面來）

所以，我就搜尋了一下同性戀者的性角色的討論，

一般而言，好像是有固定的1號、0號，T、P的分別，也有許多沒那麼固定的。

如果，ENNIS和JACK是屬於固定的，不管是情感上、相處上或性行為方面，

都隱然是一個男性和一個女性的相互對待，

那麼，我就可以理解， 為何JACK苦苦要求相互廝守，

而ENNIS卻一再因懼怕社會壓力，與小時父親造成的閹割與死亡恐懼陰影，

拒絕了JACK。

因為，具較多女性特質的JACK，最大的需求是彼此親密關係的確認，與長相廝守，

而具男性特質較多的ENNIS，最大的需求是社會角色(或地位)的被認可，更何況他對女兒仍有一份責任感在，

兩個人的需求不一致，即使愛的份量也許一樣多。

但ENNIS只要確認JACK愛他這一點就夠了，

(所以他不會忌妒LUREEN或JACK提到的鄰居老婆，但不能忍受他去墨西哥找男人)

他要維持現狀，暨擁有社會認可，也擁有JACK。

但是JACK內心中的女性特質不要這些外在的東西，

即使他知道與ENNIS生活會比較困苦，要承受無所不在的社會輿論壓力

他還是，只想要和ENNIS在一起。

從來，愛情可以是許多女人(或有較多女性特質的男同)的全部，如果她真的嚐到了愛情。

但它從來不是大部分男人的全部，是重要的，但不是全部。

李安的電影，吸引我的是那份從頭到尾的由既輕且重的壓抑、苦澀，與結局的悵然所傳達出來的愛情，

ANNIE的小說，則又讓我重溫了文字的力量 ，或說文學的力量，

當有幸能體會到任何一種藝術中的美時，總會有一股莫名的，從腳趾頭直達頭皮的興奮、幸福之感，竄起。

讓我建構出自己的ENNIS，JACK，我自己的斷背山。 

991002補述:原著中最後一段文字讓我琢磨了一陣子，作者ANNIE寫說:

There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it.

在他知道的和在他試著相信的之間，有著空間距離。對此，現在怎麼辦都沒用了。如果你無法改變，就得必須忍受下去….。

if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it.也是先前ENNIS對JACK第一次提議相守的回應，

他解決兩人問題的方式就是不解決，忍耐著，

所以把自己和JACK，困在牢籠中二十年。

但是此時JACK已經過世，他想著There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe，

讓我琢磨的是到底"他知道的"，跟"他所相信的"指的是什麼???

讓他只能又採取if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it這樣無奈的態度去面對。

991007再補: 我不禁胡思亂想，而且我覺得此時JACK已過世，即使是ENNIS，也只能胡思亂想~~

或許，"他知道的"是他與JACK已天人永隔，一切(不管他企冀的是什麼~~)都已經不再、不會、不可能了!

而他試著去相信的，或許是，

他期待若有來生~~或者若有天堂還是地獄~~他們或許可以~~~再相見??

嗚~~好可憐，人家好替他們難過~~

在原著小說中，有許多片段是我所鍾愛的，節錄出來分享：

屬於浪漫的~~

During the day Ennis looked across a great gulf and sometimes saw Jack, a small dot moving across a high meadow as an insect moves across a tablecloth; Jack, in his dark camp, saw Ennis as night fire, a red spark on the huge black mass of mountain.

白天時，恩尼司往大山谷另一方眺望，有時候會見到傑克，小小一點在高地草原上行走，狀若昆蟲在桌布上移動﹔晚上傑克待在漆黑的帳篷裡，將恩尼司視為夜火，是巨大黑色山影的一粒紅色火花。

富含寓意的（難以辨識身分的羊、即將來臨的暴風雪）~~

In August Ennis spent the whole night with Jack in the main camp and in a blowy hailstorm the sheep took off west and got among a herd in another allotment. There was a damn miserable time for five days, Ennis and a Chilean herder with no English trying to sort them out, the task almost impossible as the paint brands were worn and faint at this late season. Even when the numbers were right Ennis knew the sheep were mixed. In a disquieting way everything seemed mixed.

八月某天，恩尼司整晚與傑克待在主營地，天空颳起冰雹，嚇得羊群往西跑，混進另一配地的羊群。恩尼司與一名不諳英語的智利籍牧羊人心力交瘁了五天，極力想分辨出彼此的綿羊，卻因夏季已至尾聲，油漆烙印脫落斑駁，幾乎不可能一一隔開。即使數目算對了，恩尼司也知道羊群混雜不清。在動盪不安的情況下，凡事顯得混雜不清。

The first snow came early, on August thirteenth, piling up a foot, but was followed by a quick melt. The next week Joe Aguirre sent word to bring them down -- another, bigger storm was moving in from the Pacific -- and they packed in the game and moved off the mountain with the sheep, stones rolling at their heels, purple cloud crowding in from the west and the metal smell of coming snow pressing them on. The mountain boiled with demonic energy, glazed with flickering broken-cloud light, the wind combed the grass and drew from the damaged krummholz and slit rock a bestial drone. As they descended the slope Ennis felt he was in a slow-motion, but headlong, irreversible fall.

初雪下得早，才八月十三日，累積了一呎深，但不久後積雪迅速融化。隔周喬‧阿吉瑞派人上山通知他們下山，另有一場更大的暴風雪從太平洋直撲而來，因此兩人收拾起獵物，趕羊下山，石頭在腳跟邊滾動，紫雲由西推擠而來，降雪前夕的金屬味逼著他們前進。高山上惡魔能量沸騰，覆上薄薄的碎雲光，大風梳整青草，吹得受傷的高山矮曲樹與細長岩片發出野獸般低鳴。下坡時，恩尼司感覺自己以慢動作下墜，垂直下墜，全無回頭的餘地。 

激動、確認彼此感覺的四年後重逢（這一段用thunder growling以及下一段用A few handfuls of hail rattled against the window followed by rain and slippery wind banging the unsecured door of the next room then and through the night. 來襯托他們見面的”激情”，作者好厲害；惡兆般的天氣一再出現在這篇短篇小說中，包括最後一次見面）~~

Late in the afternoon, thunder growling, that same old green pickup rolled in and he saw Jack get out of the truck, beat-up Resistol tilted back. A hot jolt scalded Ennis and he was out on the landing pulling the door closed behind him. Jack took the stairs two and two. They seized each other by the shoulders, hugged mightily, squeezing the breath out of each other, saying, son of a bitch, son of a bitch, then, and easily as the right key turns the lock tumblers, their mouths came together, and hard, Jack’s big teeth bringing blood, his hat falling to the floor, stubble rasping, wet saliva welling, and the door opening and Alma looking out for a few seconds at Ennis’s straining shoulders and shutting the door again and still they clinched, pressing chest and groin and thigh and leg together, treading on each other’s toes until they pulled apart to breathe and Ennis, not big on endearments, said what he said to his horses and daughters, little darlin.

下午五、六時，雷聲隆隆，熟悉的綠色老卡車開進來，他看見傑克下車，百經折磨的牛仔帽往後傾仄。一股灼熱的悸動燙著了恩尼司，他站在樓梯歇腳處，走出家門後關上門。傑克一次兩階闊步上樓。兩人抓住彼此肩膀，使勁擁抱，壓得幾乎斷氣，不住說著：狗娘養的，狗娘養的，隨後，宛如插對鑰匙轉動鎖制栓一般油然，兩人四唇交接，力道之強，傑克的門牙咬出了血，帽子掉落地板，短鬚摩擦出沙沙聲，唾液泉湧，此時家門打開，艾瑪朝外觀望數秒，看到恩尼司緊繃的肩膀，關上門，兩人仍緊緊相扣，胸部、鼠蹊、大腿、小腿皆密不透風，彼此踩住對方腳趾，最後為了呼吸而分開時，不輕易表現感情的恩尼司說出他對愛馬與愛女的暱稱，小親親。

JACK絕望的控訴~~

"Try this one,” said Jack, “and I’ll say it just one time. Tell you what, we could a had a good life together, a fuckin real good life. You wouldn’t do it, Ennis, so what we got now is Brokeback Mountain. Everthing built on that. It’s all we got, boy, fuckin all, so I hope you know that if you don’t never know the rest. Count the damn few times we been together in twenty years. Measure the fuckin short leash you keep me on, then ask me about Mexico and then tell me you’ll kill me for needin it and not hardly never gettin it. You got no fuckin idea how bad it gets. I’m not you. I can’t make it on a couple a high-altitude fucks once or twice a year. You’re too much for me, Ennis, you son of a whoreson bitch. I wish I knew how to quit you.”

「我看你聽懂不懂，」傑克說：「而且我只說這麼一次。告訴你，我們本來可以一起過不錯的生活，好得不得了的生活。你卻不願意，恩尼司，結果我們現在只有斷背山。所有東西都以斷背山為基礎。斷背山是我們擁有的一切，他媽的一切，如果你不知道別的部分，我希望這一點你至少能懂。二十年來，我們在一起的次數，你給我算算看。量一量你套在我身上的狗繩有多長，再來問我有沒有去過墨西哥，然後再告訴我，想得到卻幾乎永遠摸不著會害我送掉小命。我有多難受，你根本一點概念也沒有。我不是你。我沒辦法靠高海拔一年幹炮一、兩次過活。你對我太重要了，恩尼司，你這個賤貨婊子養大的雜種。要是我知道怎麼戒掉你就好了。」

而對這份摯情最美的描述在（是JACK的回憶ㄛ，這是不是很符合他內心的女性特質部分？他就為了當初的那份溫暖與悸動，苦苦堅持了二十年）~~這一段李安導演也處理的很好，美好的回憶對照二十年後因這份感情對彼此的傷害，甜蜜又苦澀的掙扎，更加令人動容。

What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time that distant summer on Brokeback when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger.

斷背山上那年遙遠的夏天，其中一段令傑克回憶、渴望起來既難以壓抑也無法理解。當時恩尼司朝他身後靠近，抱住他，以沉默的擁抱滿足了某種共享而無關性愛的飢渴。

They had stood that way for a long time in front of the fire, its burning tossing ruddy chunks of light, the shadow of their bodies a single column against the rock. The minutes ticked by from the round watch in Ennis’s pocket, from the sticks in the fire settling into coals. Stars bit through the wavy heat layers above the fire. Ennis’s breath came slow and quiet, he hummed, rocked a little in the sparklight and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and, standing, he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced until Ennis, dredging up a rusty but still useable phrase from the childhood time before his mother died, said, “Time to hit the hay, cowboy. I got a go. Come on,you’re sleepin on your feet like a horse,” and gave Jack a shake, a push, and went off in the darkness.Jack heard his spurs tremble as he mounted, the words “see you tomorrow,” and the horse’s shuddering snort, grind of hoof on stone.

兩人如此在營火前站立良久，火焰拋出微紅光塊，兩具肉體的陰影結合為一根緊靠岩石矗立的樑柱。時間一分分流逝，由恩尼司口袋裡的圓錶滴答告知，由逐漸燃燒成炭的樹枝點明。星光在營火上方層層熱流中破浪前進。恩尼司的呼吸緩和寂靜，悄聲囈語，在點點火星中前後微微擺動，傑克則毗倚平穩的心跳上，低哼震動恰似微弱電流，令傑克以站姿入睡，而此睡非彼睡，而是昏沉失神之感。最後恩尼司挖掘出童年母親在世時對他說的一段話，儘管生鏽了，仍派得上用場。他說，「該上床了，牛仔。我該走了。好了，別學馬兒站著睡啦，」說著搖搖傑克，推他一下，自己步入黑暗中。傑克聽見他上馬時馬刺顫動聲，聽到「明天見」，以及馬兒顫抖的鼻息，馬蹄磨石的聲響。

看電影時淚還不至於落下來，但下面這一段倒是讀一次哭一次~~就是電影最後一幕，那張斷背山的明信片，那兩件包護在一起的襯衫，鏡頭沒說到的部份~~

Around that time Jack began to appear in his dreams, Jack as he had first seen him, curly-headed and smiling and bucktoothed, talking about getting up off his pockets and into the control zone, but the can of beans with the spoon handle jutting out and balanced on the log was there as well, in a cartoon shape and lurid colors that gave the dreams a flavor of comic obscenity. The spoon handle was the kind that could be used as a tire iron. And he would wake sometimes in grief, sometimes with the old sense of joy and release; the pillow sometimes wet, sometimes the sheets.

就是從那時候起，他開始夢見傑克了。傑克，就像他第一次見到時的那樣，卷頭髮，笑出大板牙，說是要跑出去。夢裡，圓木頭還上平穩放著那罐涼豆子，連帶著那個把露在外面的勺子。夢一幕幕像卡通片一樣。畫面漸漸慘淡下去，有些模糊不清，勺子的把恍惚間成立輪胎撬鐵棍的形狀。他有時醒來很傷心，有時又有過去的那種高興和解脫。有時是枕頭濕了，有時是床單濕了。

 當然，作者對於兩人的親密行為也描寫的很直接了當，簡潔有力，但這主要是給學生看的部落格，怕兒童不宜，就~。